


I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead (I think I made you up inside my head)

by Mia_Zeklos



Series: Reylo Week 2020 [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dubious Morality, F/M, Post-Canon, Resurrection, The Dark Side of the Force, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unreliable Narrator, really do pay attention to that tag please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23973541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_Zeklos/pseuds/Mia_Zeklos
Summary: ''There is no passion, there is serenity. There’s the Jedi way for you.“No,” Rey says as soon as Ben's finished speaking, shaking her head even though she knows he can’t see. He knows her better than this; better than trying to inflict on her teachings she’d never once succeeded in following. “No, I don’t think this is for me at all.”From where she’s standing, serenity had left her the day she’d met him.''(As she makes a home out of Tatooine, Rey grows ever closer to getting back the half of her soul that she'd lost on Exegol. What the rest of the world tries to tell her doesn't matter one bit.)
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Reylo Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721188
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16
Collections: REYLO WEEK 2020





	I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead (I think I made you up inside my head)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day six of the Reylo Week - past/present/future. I've been playing around with this idea for a while, so it's nice to finally have it out here. The ending is left purposefully open; I obviously have my thoughts on Rey's state of mind and what's actually happening _outside_ of her head, but that's not really the point of the fic.  
> Title taken from Sylvia Plath's _Mad Girl's Love Song_ , of which you can find an absolutely excellent reading [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twIfwSvL9Uo)
> 
> As always, feedback is most welcome!

Once left to her own devices, in the blessed, quiet desolation of the world once she’d decided to settle on Tatooine, Rey gives herself over to meditation for days on end.

It’s something she’d got used to over the past year and it’s not a habit she wants to break – feeling like she’s one with the Force helps when nothing else does and she frequently revisits the feeling when the emptiness of her new home strikes her deepest.

It doesn’t happen too often – she loves her peace – and it only ever gets painful when the ghosts hiding in her surroundings come out to speak. That’s not a particularly frequent sighting, either; neither Luke nor Leia seem to have mastered the ability enough to be around her constantly, or perhaps they just have better things to do wherever it is that they are, and Ben has yet to come to her at all. She does hear his voice on occasion and it wraps around her like the coolness of a stream in the middle of the desert, comforting and unexpected and bringing more relief than she can put into words, but that’s all it is. For a while, she tries to keep him anchored to her by clinging to his clothes and the lightsaber she’d unearthed on Kef Bir, but of course, it makes no difference. It’s not his belongings that he’s staying for. It’s _her_ , even if it causes him pain to break the laws of the Force yet again.

“You shouldn’t overexert yourself,” she says one day. It’s just a smidge hypocritical, given that the purpose of today’s session had been precisely about getting him near enough for him to talk to her, but Rey isn’t about to start admitting to the impossibility of her expectations _now_. There should be a way for this to be easy and painless for them both, as she keeps telling him, and his resignation to the way things are makes her all the more determined to find it.

 _No? What do you think could happen if I do?_ It’s that same dry, rich voice in her ear that she’d heard so many times – distorted through a mask, thrumming through the force of their connection, declared to her in person as he’d bared his heart and soul for her to see – and it’s never enough. _Could I die again?_

“Don’t _say_ that.” _There is no death, there is the Force_. For as long as she clings to that, there is hope. It had occurred to her more than once that she’d never quite learnt how to lose, the power that had suddenly been thrust upon her so all-encompassing that at first, she’d believed it to be capable of anything. Now, after the war and all the loss that had come with it, the realisation that she’d been wrong had never really clicked. If anything, it had only made her more determined. “There’s always a way out.”

_Not from here._

“You found one for me.” She had been so cold and drained and alone and his presence in the Force had been the only thing keeping her clinging to her body, but he’d managed to pull her back from the brink. The fact that it had cost him any shred of life he’d had left had turned into yet another thing for her to resent, though she’d never say it out loud. No matter how many times she brings it up, he’s as resolute in the rightness of his decision as he’d been back on Exegol.

_That was different._

“How so? There should be no limit to a Jedi’s power if their devotion to a cause is absolute, right?” She wracks her brain for the right piece of wisdom she’d gathered from the ancient texts and one comes more readily than she’d expected. “ _Through passion, I gain strength_ , was that it? You liked using that one a lot.”

 _That’s a Sith belief; nothing to do with the Jedi. I was— it’s complicated. Nothing you should be dealing with, in any case._ Ben sounds a little desperate and not for the first time, Rey wonders if he’s hiding something even now. _There is no passion, there is serenity. There’s the Jedi way for you._

“No,” she says as soon as he’s finished speaking, shaking her head even though she knows he can’t see. He knows her better than this; better than trying to inflict on her teachings she’d never once succeeded in following. “No, I don’t think this is for me at all.”

From where she’s standing, serenity had left her the day she’d met him.

~.~

Prying the crystal from the crossguard and healing it until it had achieved the gentle yellowish glow that she’d been hoping for had taken longer than expected, but it had helped with some of the unrest she’d felt. She’d felt Ben’s presence swirling around her mind, pushing advice to the front of her consciousness when she’d lost her footing in a process she’d only ever seen written down, and when her lightsaber is finally in her hands, she’s far too satisfied by the result to think anything of it when his voice in her head grows a little stronger than before.

_You could have always found a crystal of your own. This one will always bear the scar._

“You thought you would, too.” Rey closes her eyes, reaching out blindly. If she focuses hard enough, she can almost feel the warmth of his cheek under her fingertips once again; can let her hands tangle into his dark curls. The sight of him beaming with the happiness she’d given him just by being _there_ is imprinted into every inch of her body, lurking behind her eyelids whenever she allows it. It hurts like hell and she’d never been more grateful for anything. Bit by bit, she’s starting to understand his impulse to dig into his own wound on Starkiller Base. She’d hardly known him then and she hadn’t exactly had the opportunity to ask later, but it makes more sense than ever these days; that he’d bring the pain to the surface and draw power from it again and again until it starts feeling like fuel for her to keep going. It doesn’t grant her an ounce of peace, but then again, neither does anything else. _Peace is a lie._

“There is only passion.”

When her eyes flutter open again, he’s standing right there, pressed into her touch as if she’d just dreamt him up. Perhaps she had – perhaps the technicalities of reality are starting to slip away from her: Ben looks nothing like the rest of his family had when they’d shown themselves to her. There’s very little of the blue glow that the Force seems to use to sustain their presence in the world of the living and he doesn’t appear as pained as his efforts to stay connected to her must have made him.

“More Sith teachings?” She sounds so breathless that it’s almost incomprehensible, voice heavy with the tears she doesn’t want to shed just yet.

“Yes.” He reaches out too, hesitant at first, but growing bolder when his hand settles on the back of her neck instead of sinking right into her skin like he’d clearly expected it to. He can’t be real, can’t be _here_ – he’s part of her now and had assured her that that was all he would ever be – but the evidence is undeniable. “You keep insisting on making it work.”

“I just don’t see much of a difference.” She wants to kiss him so badly that it hurts, but the thought makes her almost reverent, as if he would vanish as soon as she gives in. “Except for the outcome – the Jedi way promises becoming one with the Force, but the Sith talk about it _freeing_ them. What of everyone in the middle? What happens to us?”

“There’s no everyone, as far as I know,” Ben shrugs. If he’s putting any effort at all into this, it doesn’t show and the doubt that Rey’s joy had been shrouded in starts to lift, making place for unadulterated awe instead. “There’s just us. I don’t know if the Force has any plans for _that_.”

“She does,” Rey says easily. This sort of confidence had previously come to her only when she’d been used as a mouthpiece for the Resistance, but it feels different now; resonating through her body in a way that makes her feel both weightless and infinitely powerful. “She has to.”

~.~

“It just felt— strange, you know?” Finn is saying, the image coming through her half-functional comlink flickering every now and again. Rey nods, understanding. “Unfamiliar. I’ve been trying to teach myself everything I’ve missed and it was an experiment, to try and check on you – I didn’t think you’d even feel it – and something felt _different_. We wanted to make sure you’re all right.”

“I’m fine.” It sounds a bit too earnest and she offers a quick smile to go with the reassurance. Ben’s visits had started getting longer and with him, their joint power had started taking on a different edge; an in-between sort of strength that keeps him chained by her side and inside the world of the living. It’s not hurting him, he keeps insisting, and she’s more than willing to take his word for it if it only means that he’ll stay. His presence helps in keeping _her_ grounded, too; like her soul isn’t split in two any longer. That devastating emptiness from before had finally been filled again – if anything, she feels better than ever. “Everything here is as I imagined it.”

_Better, even. Much better._

She sends the thought flying through the bond and Ben wanders into her field of vision a moment later, his hair tickling her shoulder as he leans in to kiss her cheek and go back to whatever it is that he’s tinkering with today. Rey grins in response and tenses for a fleeting second, wondering if Finn can see him now – if he understands the Force enough to try and reach her, he should be able to see the ghosts said Force allows to roam free – but he looks right through Ben, focusing on her again instead. “That’s— that’s good to know. Poe thinks that this whole thing is ridiculous and you _said_ you wanted to spend some time alone, but I had to check. Staying all the way out there all on your own—”

“I’m not on my own.” He should _understand_ , shouldn’t he? She’s never alone; never had been. Never would have to be, if she gets her way.

“You’re not?” Finn’s expression can’t seem to settle on either surprise or relief or curiosity and in the end, he gives her a vaguely encouraging smile. “That’s good. As long as you’re happy, that’s _great_.”

“I am. Happy.” It won’t feel quite complete until Ben stops vanishing through the gaps of this world every once in a while – until they’re both sure that they’ve managed to cheat death, somehow – but it’s as close as she’s ever been and the concern in Finn’s eyes somehow diminishes and worsens all at once. It had been a while since she’d had any contact at all with anyone who isn’t either a Skywalker or a droid and it must be showing, but he’s too kind to say anything without having the full picture. Not that he ever _would_ ; the full picture belongs to her alone. “You don’t need to worry.”

“I’m not.” It hadn’t been _worry_ , precisely. Rey can see it in his mind – when he’d tried to get his mind to touch him, he’d encountered the walls any self-respecting Force user would have put up, but something far more unsettling too, chaotic and stubborn and bleeding in a way that had been painfully obvious even to an untrained eye. “But, if you ever need anything— we’re _here_ , Rey. The rest of the galaxy is still here, whenever you’re ready for it.”

They know each other well enough to understand that this is a goodbye. “I know. Thank you.”

She’s got everything she needs right here.

~.~

Leaving Tatooine had been both refreshing and terrifying; so much so that at first, it had reminded her of the time she’d flown off of Jakku for the first time, her awe in front of all the places she’d never seen battling with the hunger for the security she so desperately wants to hang on to. It’s not much of a difference – she’s still got a Solo by her side, though Ben is much more cautious in his planning than his father had been.

“You don’t need to do this,” he says, sprawled into the co-pilot’s seat. It’s a sight she wants to see for the rest of her life, but she wants him _here_ for it, flesh and blood. This strange ability they’d developed that had helped him stay had made her greedy enough to know that they deserve to have it all. My lightsaber – well, _your_ lightsaber now – should have been enough. I left everything else behind.”

“Nothing is gone forever.” The wrecked, barely stitched together heap of metal that is his helmet is heavy in her arms, but Rey clutches it like it’s a lifeline. In a way, it is. It’s what she means to use to finally get hers out of the Force, after all. “There was a place on Ach-To,” she continues as they land, the sprawling greenery in front of them and its contrast against the jagged stones of her destination only making the memory more vivid. “It kept calling to me; offering me things I wanted. Luke thought I was better off ignoring it, but I never could and it didn’t get me anything, in the end – just more ghosts – but it did teach me a lot.” She’d faced a thousand versions of herself stuck in an endless loop, and she’d broken through the surface anyway; had clawed her way back to him when she’d realised that he’d have the answers she’d needed. It had still felt as if she’d left a piece of herself there and perhaps, it can work once again.

This time, she might be able to break through the glass separating her from the world beyond too. It’s only fair that she brings and offering.

“Ben.” There’s no knowing how this is going to end, but it feels good to savour the name on her tongue; even better when he presses himself closer, responding to the kiss she offers with the usual determined hunger. All of his affection is like this, biting and insatiable, and Rey only manages to break out of the spell it sets over her when his touch falters between this reality and the next. It’s not _enough_ anymore, being able to just see and hear and touch him; there’s a galaxy out there at their disposal and with every touch, her visions of the future grow brighter, spreading in a hundred different directions of what they could do once he’s here for _good_. “Wait for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 _Everyone who’s ever made that promise is dead now_ , she thinks, far too bitter for her own good.

_But not for long. Not this time._

~.~

The cave is dark and cold and enormous and Rey feels devastatingly small as she makes her way to the heart of it, her lightsaber the only torch in the darkness and the helmet still clutched in one hand. This is all she has of the man she wants to drag back with her – the shirt on her back and the mask in her grip; the healed crystal that he’d carried with him for so many years. She’d forgotten what it’s like, not being able to see him, and it only gets worse the lower she gets.

By the time she reaches the altar she’d been hoping for, Rey is freezing to the bone. The boundaries between dimensions are as thin as they’re going to get, but the resistance in the air is thick enough for her to cut through it, and so she does; places the helmet on the table, lifts her lightsaber as if preparing to attack, and starts to thumb through the grimoire she’d brought for this exact purpose. She’d found it among the rest of the Supreme Leader’s belongings with Ben’s help – in the year they’d been separated, he’d acquired quite the collection of Sith artefacts, even if he’d been aware that he might never be able to use them. She’s no Sith and therefore no better off than he had been back then, but instead of the bottomless misery that he’d purposefully drowned himself in at the time, she’d been filled with faith strong enough to wrench powers she’d never known she’d had from every corner of her being.

If all she has to make this work is a helmet and an unquiet ghost, it would have to be enough.

The world seems to blur around the edges as the incantation – untrained and stumbling in a language she doesn’t quite understand – starts spilling out of her lips, but Rey’s hold on the spellbook only tightens. It doesn’t _matter_ if it’s the dark side. It doesn’t matter if the Force resists. She can feel it, pulsing like a living, breathing thing under the tendrils of her power, and it would be enough to bring her to her knees if she hadn’t had her devotion to keep her upright.

 _I know what I saw_. She thrusts the memory of countless different visions of their future in every direction she can find – at him, at the Force, at herself, at every entity who would try and deny her. For the first time in months, the gaping pit she’d felt when Ben had become one with the Force makes itself known, all the hungrier for everything it had been denied, and Rey pushes on forward, prying the helmet off the edge of the altar and donning it herself instead, in the event she hadn’t made herself clear enough. _Two that are one_. _I know what I saw, you said you’d be here, you said you wouldn’t leave, Ben, don’t you dare—_

The galaxy spins around her, faster by the second as the emptiness takes over ever further. It’s not enough to deter her – Rey spits out her stolen magic yet again, and the crystal in the weapon in her hand cracks and bleeds and _bleeds_.


End file.
